Tricky people, not stranger danger: teaching kids to judge behaviour, not faces
The oldest safety rule in the parenting book — never talk to strangers — fails in both directions. It aims at the smaller risk: police and prevention educators point out that children are most often harmed by people they know. And it disarms a child in the one emergency where a stranger is the solution: being lost. The replacement used by police child-safety programs and prevention educators is a single shift — judge behaviour, not faces.
The two ways stranger danger fails
First, familiarity is not safety. ACT Policing’s child-safety guidance states it directly: children are most often harmed by people they know, which is why it teaches “tricky people” awareness instead of stranger warnings alone. The prevention program Safe4Kids puts a figure on its version of the same point, stating that 90% of children who experience abuse know the person who harms them — a family member, a family friend, a coach, an older child. Treat that as the program’s stated figure; the direction of it is what police guidance agrees on.
Second, children are literal. A child taught that strangers are dangerous pictures someone frightening — and a friendly adult offering help does not match the picture, while a uniformed employee the child has never met does. Behaviour is the signal that survives both problems.
| Stranger-danger rule | Tricky-people rule | |
|---|---|---|
| Judges | Whether the child knows the person | What the person does |
| Misses | Unsafe behaviour by known people | — |
| When lost | Child avoids everyone, including help | Child chooses a safe helper deliberately |
| Fear load | The world reads as full of threats | Most people are safe; some behaviours are not |
Judge the behaviour: the tricky-people list
ACT Policing’s list is short enough for a young child to hold. A tricky person — known or unknown, friendly or not — is someone who:
- asks a child to keep a secret from their parents;
- asks a child to go somewhere away from the group;
- gives excessive gifts or praise to make the child feel specially chosen;
- does anything that makes the child feel uncomfortable.
One more rule from the same tradition is worth teaching verbatim, because it is so checkable: safe adults ask other adults for help, not children. An adult who asks a child for help finding a puppy, carrying something to a car, or giving directions is breaking that rule in a way a child can spot without judging anyone’s character.
The body’s alarm: early warning signs
Behaviour lists cover what a child can see. Safe4Kids adds what a child can feel: Early Warning Signs, the body’s alarm system — the butterflies, the tight stomach, the sudden wish to leave — which children need help recognising as information rather than rudeness. Parent Herald’s expert summary makes the same point from the parent’s side: help a child notice what comfortable and uncomfortable feel like for them personally, and take it seriously when a child says something feels off about a person, even when the parent cannot see why.
Two supporting habits make the alarm usable. Use anatomically correct names for body parts — children who can name things clearly can report them clearly. And keep the teaching in calm, regular, short conversations rather than one big frightening talk; the goal is a child who mentions things early, not a child who is scared of everyone.
Tell, and keep telling
The response sequence ACT Policing teaches is: trust the instinct, say no, go to a safe place, and tell a trusted adult. Safe4Kids adds the clause that does the real work — if a child gets their Early Warning Signs, they must keep telling an adult they trust until they feel safe again. The first adult may be busy, distracted, or disbelieving; the rule is persistence, not one attempt. Parents close the loop in advance with the sentence that removes a tricky person’s main lever: you are never in trouble for telling about something that made you feel unsafe.
Scripts by age
Ages 3–5: one concrete rule. Messages stay simple and absolute at this age — never go anywhere without a parent’s permission is the example Parent Herald’s experts give. Add the names of two or three trusted adults, practised like a phone number.
Ages 6–9: the behaviour list. Children this age can run the four-item tricky-behaviour list and the say-no, go, tell sequence. Practise with “what if” scenarios at the level of a game, and teach your address and mobile number — ACT Policing lists both as core knowledge for this stage.
Ages 10–12: judgment and persistence. Older children can handle the reasoning itself — why a known person can still be tricky, why gifts and special attention are on the list, and why telling continues until an adult acts. This is also the age to name safe people and safe places on their actual routes, not in the abstract.
Choosing help: the safe-stranger exception
The contradiction resolves cleanly once behaviour is the rule: a lost child is supposed to choose a stranger — a specific kind. Parent Herald’s guidance is to look for a parent with children and ask for help, rather than wandering to find their own parent. Store employees, uniformed staff, and a parent with kids share the trait that matters: they are findable in public, in role, and asking them commits the child to nothing beyond the request. That is behaviour-based safety working exactly as designed.
General information only, not professional child-protection advice. If a child discloses harm, contact local police or child-protection services.
— Grace Okafor, Family & Parenting Writer